How to Get Over Help Hurdle

What do you do when a person that you are trying to help, doesn’t want or accept it?

As a caregiver, this situation is very common, there’s even a name for it: the Help Hurdle.

Let’s see this in play.

Dave takes care of his father every day and has suggested several times that he let him handle all his grocery runs for him, as driving and lifting has become difficult.

But instead of accepting the help, he replies with a firm and resounding, No.

Sounds familiar right?

Everyone responds to help a little differently. We have some tips on how you can overcome this hurdle.

First, let’s try to understand why they don’t want help.

Look at it from their perspective. Why don’t they want help?

There can be many reasons. Accepting help might make them feel like a burden. Or they may feel a loss of independence and control.

Next, show that you understand and respect their point of view by echoing their words.

Don’t try to change their mind. If they say, “I’ve been mowing my lawn for 35 years with no problem.”

You can reply with: “I understand that it’s important for you to continue to do this as long as you are able to.”

You want them to feel that you get it.

Ask for permission to share why you would like them to receive help.

People are more receptive when they are asked first.

Asking for permission shows that you respect the care recipient’s decision, and it gives them the control to make their own decisions.

Now, Ask for permission to share the resources that you think can help.

Research and gather information from credible sources.

Give the care recipient the control from which source or what types of help they want to receive. It is also a good idea to ask if they have any idea how they would like to be helped.

Share your concerns using “I” statements.

If you’re worried that your care recipient will fall from mowing the lawn, tell them that!

Say, “I’m afraid you’re going to get into an accident if you keep mowing the lawn.”

You can even offer to help so that you can worry less!

Be conversational, not demanding.

You’re not trying to win a debate, you want to have an open conversation on how to best help the person you are caring for.

Find options that meet their criteria instead of forcing something on them. It is really important to respect their right to make their own decisions.

Choose your battles.

If you encounter the Help Hurdle, but safety is not a pressing issue, let it go for now.

Are they mentally capable?

Forget to close doors?

Take medication on time?

Or is it a matter of their homes being a little cleaner, their lives being easier?

Save your time and energy for safety issues for when help is truly needed.

Last of all – Make time for another chat.

Tell your care recipient you’d love to discuss it again down the road.

Honestly, the timing may never be right. But it is important to remember that they are still adults with the right to make their own decisions.

The more you enforce this idea, the more open your care recipient will be to hearing you out.

It’s an on-going issue, there is no quick fix. But it is better to deal with the situation with a cool head instead of letting an argument overtake the relationship you’ve built.

Check out our other videos for more caregiver support and learning.